Have mercy on me, God, in accord with your merciful love; in your abundant compassion blot out my transgressions. Thoroughly wash away my guilt; and from my sin cleanse me. For I know my transgressions; my sin is always before me. Against you, you alone have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your eyes so that you are just in your word, and without reproach in your judgment. Behold, you desire true sincerity; and secretly you teach me wisdom. Cleanse me with hyssop, that I may be pure; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. You will let me hear gladness and joy; the bones you have crushed will rejoice. Turn away your face from my sins; blot out all my iniquities. A clean heart create for me, God, renew within me a steadfast spirit. (Psalm 51: 3-6, 8-12)

Today’s reflection requires some serious contemplation about sin and cleansing our hearts before we enter Jerusalem with Jesus in these days leading to his death. 
Before we do that though, I need to make a confession: I am terrified of going to confession. I teach the sacramental rite of reconciliation to both children and adults. I set up parish reconciliation services that provide 6-8 confessional stations. I am the one that contacts the 6-8 priests and gets them to assist! I ask the priests I know will do the best job with our parishioners...I trust them...and yet, I am terrified to go to them for this sacrament. Every time we hold these services: lent, advent, children...I feel my heart racing and I go through the examination of conscience and I muster the courage to grab a priest and say ONE MORE SINNER and then something happens. I flake out. I become so afraid of rejection and so sure that my sins are not enough to bother someone for an extra few minutes of time...I don’t go. I waste the opportunity. And then I’m more ashamed that I cannot do what I have asked others to do. It’s a vicious cycle but it is one that I work on...I want a clean heart...I want that expression I see on a child’s face after their first confession. I want to feel lighter; to feel free.

So how can I work to conquer the fear this Lent 2020? Having resilient faith means you have to build up your toolbox. Reconciliation is one like the circular saw of tools for me. I’m okay with hand tools and a powered screwdriver, I can deal with but get me in front of a circular saw and I’m out. When I was a little girl, my grandfather (who was a carpenter as was his father before him) had a shed in the back of his house in Loveland, Ohio with a massive, built-in circular saw. I can still hear the screeching sounds of the wood hitting the blade and the smells of fresh sawdust blowing into the air and into my hair. I will save his faith story for another day...it’s a powerful one! But preparing for confession is just like this experience of being in the room with something so powerful. As soon as the saw starts up, I’m on alert and waiting my turn but as soon as the wood hits the blade, my confession is thwarted, cut into pieces. The sawdust, my momentum...God’s call to my heart to confess...is blown into the wind for another day. How do I overcome this stifling, screeching halt towards God’s mercy and grace?

I pray. Hard. And I let God call me again. I do not stop examining my conscience...even if I fail to go to confession. I ask God to forgive me and I turn to Psalm 51 and ask God to prepare the way for confession...to find the right priest, at the right time, and allow God’s love for me to create a clean heart again. God is calling all of us to bring our “bad stuff” up from the darkness of our souls and speak it out into the light so that it can be made known and so that it can be let go. And so, as we close, I will break apart the verses I have chosen from Psalm 51 so that you can reflect for yourself at the end of our Lenten journey and perhaps, the seed will be planted for you to receive the sacrament of reconciliation.

Have mercy on me, God, in accord with your merciful love

• Do I REALLY believe God will have mercy on me? 

In your abundant compassion blot out my transgressions

• I know Jesus died for my sins and forgives me...can I forgive myself or do I live in shame?

Thoroughly wash away my guilt; and from my sin cleanse me.

• Can I work towards letting painful past mistakes not define who I am as a person and a child of God?

For I know my transgressions; my sin is always before me.

• Can I admit that I sin? Does pride keep me from seeing myself as I really am?

Against you, you alone have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your eyes so that you are just in your word, and without reproach in your judgment.

• Do I understand that all of my sin is a rejection of God’s love? Love is freely offered by God but love is not always kind and gentle. It is what keeps us connected to each other.

Behold, you desire true sincerity; and secretly you teach me wisdom. Cleanse me with hyssop, that I may be pure; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. You will let me hear gladness and joy; the bones you have crushed will rejoice. Turn away your face from my sins; blot out all my iniquities. 

• Do I believe that God created me? Do I believe my Creator wants me to learn and be the best-version-of-myself?

A clean heart create for me, God, renew within me a steadfast spirit.

• Ask God for a clean heart right now. Promise God you will take your sins to confession in the near future. Create a space for this to happen in your heart and your spirit will take you there soon.